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Show Your Inner Soul
We are powerful, storng and a possitive force in the world, so why do so many women feel as if they are nothing more than an item to beat down to the ground? We have so much to offer the world. We have an unsurmountable amount of energy, strength and intelligence. Women have a deep inner intuition that drives them further into the world of power. Many women feel it, and know it, but very few have the support to go with it. I often wonder why it is a woman has to beg for attention, or sit alone starving for attention? There is something we can do! Find your personal backbone and stand for whats right take control of your life!
THE ONLY LIMITS WE HAVE ARE THE LIMITS WE SET UPON OURSELVES!
REMOVE THOSE LIMITS AND BREATHE FREE
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News-and-Society/Relationships 10 Things They Don't Tell You About Mental Abuse
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This month one of my readers asked the question: “How could mental abuse have happened to me?”
She went on to say that she is a successful, professional woman – as if professional achievements should be enough to ward off abusers, in the same way that garlic and crosses apparently stop Dracula in his tracks. (And, yes, as mentioned before in this ezine, there is a strong similarity between abusive men and Dracula in that both will bleed you dry, given half a chance.)
It happened to her, as it happens to so many women, for many reasons, some of which I’ve outlined below. It happens chiefly because given the lack of readily available information, you only find out the hard way.
#1 ‘They’ never told you, because they didn’t know. It is the degree of widespread ignorance in our society about mental abuse that allows it to go on happening. Not only do they not know, but they don’t have an inkling that they don’t know.
So they think that their view of the world is true and accurate and they perpetrate this view of the world in which if these things happen at all, they happen to poor sad people who live very different lives to their own – and somehow bring it on themselves by belonging to that group.
Isn’t it wonderful how they only see the things that fit with their beliefs? Sadly, women do that one too, which is why it takes us a while to recognise that our hero is mentally abusive and then get out…
#2 Mental abuse is a great leveller. Whether you live in a palace or a slum you are equally susceptible. I can think of all kinds of high profile, hugely talented, successful women whose personal life has been ravaged by mental abuse, and often physical domestic violence also.
We may use our achievements, or our looks, or anything else we choose to compensate for a sense of worthlessness, but the truth is it is no protection. It certainly isn’t an effective radar system that will give advanced warning of potential aggressors entering our orbit.
#3 You’re not alone. Mental abuse happens to huge numbers of women. About 1 in 4 actually, at some point in their life. But a lot either remain in denial or feel so ashamed they won’t openly admit to it.
#4 Love may well not be enough – especially when it is either one sided (your side) or associated with a patchy, or non-existent regard for your well being (his side).
You are entitled to love someone however vile their behaviour towards you. It doesn’t mean you should tolerate the behaviour. And you would also be advised to write down a list of exactly what it is that you love about them.
#5 Nasty behaviours are not blips or aberrations. They are clear indications of a nasty side to his temperament. Yes, maybe we have all been there trying to work out, approximately, what percentage of a partner is nasty and what percentage is nice. But does this really make sense? When we do this, we are already heavily into denial and likely to be wildly inaccurate.
It puts me in mind of a client of mine who came to me years ago in tears because she had to re-home a much loved Alsatian. The dog had twice moved to attack her young son for no reason. She saw the pattern and wasn’t prepared to take any more chances.
Women, on average, will endure 35 assaults by their partner before they leave. Sure, it is much harder for a woman to leave a violent partner than it is to re-home a dog, but the other side of the coin is the astonishing degree to which women will deny or minimise the threats to their health and safety.
If in the first flush of romance he is ‘different – ie nicer – with you than he is with other people, know that with familiarity you will become ‘other people’ and be treated accordingly.
#6 Relationships don’t have to be like a poorly organised bungee jump. If you commit to a relationship hoping it will turn out alright, but not knowing how or why it should, it most probably won’t. “Forever” is a difficult part of a relationship to get right. It needs serious consideration.
#7 You are not Florence Nightingale. You are looking for a life partner and an equal, not a poor wounded soldier. Your life does not have to be the Crimea. Equally, there is no point in being either Mother Teresa or Wendy. Self-sacrifice and/or Peter Pan can be very draining over the longer term.
#8 The more clearly you visualise the kind of relationship and partner you truly want, the closer you are likely to get to achieving it.
#9 Compromise snowballs. If you are prepared to settle for less, you will surely get it. Increasingly so. Bad relationships have their own momentum. You need to factor that into how you think the relationship will be 1, 5 and 10 years down the line.
#10 Whatever has happened to you and whatever he has said to you, it doesn’t make you a fool, or worthless. You’re just a woman who has stayed too long - whether that is months, years or decades.
What’s happened, has happened. What’s important is that you can move forward into a fulfilling, joyful future. And you can use that learning curve to protect yourself, your family and friends in the future. While I believe that nobody should have to go through it, I believe that all of us who have been there can work to expose the blindness and ignorance that allows mental abuse to thrive.
(C) 2006 Annie Kaszina
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Annie Kaszina Ph D, is a coach and writer who has helped hundreds of women to rebuild their confidence and their life after an abusive relationship. Annie is the author of "The Woman You Want To Be". This ebook will teach you how you can love yourself first, so that you can create strong self-belief and build the fulfilling future you're looking for on firm foundations. To find out more and sign up to Annie's free bi-monthly ezine visit http://www.EmotionalAbuseRecoveryNow.com You can email Annie at: annie@EmotionalAbuseRecoveryNow.com |
He Controls Your Mood
1. Do you walk on eggshells around him
2. Do you ask for permission to go out?
3. Are you afraid to have family and friends visit?
4. Are your friends feel uncomfortable coming to your home, or just don't come around anymore because of him?
5. Does he accuse you of having affairs with co-workers?
6. Does he make it impossible for you to keep a job, or did you have to leave a job you loved because he emabarrassed you with calling/showing up or harrassing co-workers with odd questions?
7. Does he control your money?
8.When is the last time you went out with family or friends and had a great time without worring about what he would do when you got home or worried what he thought about you going out without him?
9.Does he threaten you to call child protection services on you to keep you scared of losing your kids even though you know you are a good mom?
10. Are you afraid of what he may do because of things he has warned you he would do if you left?
11. Do you fear he may hurt you if you leave?
12 Has he warned you that "till death do you part" is something he will stick to if you leave him?
13. How many times Did you want to go and run away because you live your life believing you will never be happy as long as he is near you?
14.Has he ever used sex and getting you pregnant as a form of control?
15 Has he ever said "no one will ever want you"?
16. Has he blamed you for what he does to you? Reverse control into guilty feelings of submission?
17. Do you sing and dance and laugh with your children when he is not around but as soon as he walks in the door, clam up and become a silent vision rushing around the house to make eveything perfect?
18. No matter how much you do or how hard you try does he always find something that is wrong or not done?
Emotional abuse is control!
"THIS IS WAR" A SUPER FACT SHEET TO UNDERSTAND YOU ARE BEING ABUSED!
IT'S WHAT HAPPENS TO YOU IF YOU ARE BEING EMOTIONALLY ABUSED!
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Frequently ignores your feelings.
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Ridicules or insults your most valued beliefs, gender, sexuality, ability, age or sexual orientation.
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Ridicules or insults your religion, race, heritage, class or language.
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Withholds approval, appreciation, and affection.
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Continually criticizes you, calls you names, shouts at you.
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Humiliates you in private or in public.
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Refuses to socialize with you.
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Keeps you from working, controls the money, makes all decisions.
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Tries to prevent you from seeing your friends and family.
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Regularly threatens to leave you or tells you to leave.
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Manipulates you with lies and contradictions.
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Behaves in a threatening way.
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Uses intimidating facial expressions and/or body posture.
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Accuses you of being unfaithful.
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Uses sexualized language.
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Verbally abuses the children and pets in your household
Does your spouse or significant other:
- Hit, punch, slap, shove, or bite you?
- Threaten to hurt you or your children?
- Threaten to hurt friends or family members?
- Have sudden outbursts of anger or rage?
- Behave in an overprotective manner?
- Become jealous without reason?
- Prevent you from seeing family or friends?
- Prevent you from going where you want, when you want?
- Prevent you from working or attending school?
- Destroy personal property or sentimental items?
- Deny you access to family assets, such as bank accounts, credit cards, or even the car?
- Control all finances and force you to account for what you spend?
- Force you to have sex against your will?
- Force you to engage in sexual acts you do not enjoy?
- Insult you or call you derogatory names?
- Use intimidation or manipulation to control you or your children?
- Humiliate you in front of your children?
- Turn minor incidents into major arguments?
- Abuse or threaten to abuse pets?
- Withhold affection from you?
Now, if you were honest and answered them truthfully, here is a statement that might shock you. If you answered YES to even ONE of those questions, you are being verbally abused.
Articles about Abuse in Relationships
LIST OF ARTICLES ABOUT ABUSE in my three topic areas
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VERBAL AND EMOTIONAL ABUSE
Articles by Sam Vaknin
What is Abuse?
Intimacy and Abuse
The Gradations of Abuse
The Guilt of the Abused - Pathologizing the Victim
Coping with Your Abuser
http://www.suite101.com/article.cfm/9128...
The Abuser in Denial
Avoiding Your Abuser - The Submissive Posture
INGNORING HIS BEHAVIOR IGNORES YOUR NEEDS
Avoiding Your Abuser - The Conflictive Posture
YOU ARE NOT CRAZY!
I SHOULD KNOW BECAUSE I WASN'T CRAZY BUT HE WOULD SAY SO..
OF COURSE IT HAPPENS IN PRIVATE!
YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT TO EXPECT OR WHEN TO EXPECT IT
IT FOLLOWS A PATTERN
ONE DAY THINGS ARE GREAT TENSION BUILDS AND WHAMO THE BIG BLOW OUT HAPPENS
ISOLATION FROM FAMILY AND DO YOU EVEN HAVE FRIENDS?
HAVE YOU GIVEN UP HOPE THAT THINGS WILL EVER BE DIFFERENT FOR YOU
DO YOU MAKE EXCUSES FOR HIS BEHAVIOR? BAD DAY AT WORK, NO WORK, MONEY TROUBLES ECT...?
DO YOU BLAME YOURSELF FOR HIS HURTING YOU? "WELL DINNER WASNT DONE, OR THE KIDS WERE LOUD, OR HOW ABOUT HIS LAUNDRY WASNT DRY? YOU FORGOT TO PICK UP SOMETHING AT THE STORE? PAY A BILL? HAD NO EXTRA CASH IN YOUR POCKET?
HAS HE EVER HURT YOUR PET?
BREAK SOMETHING THAT MEANS ALOT TO YOU BUT NEVER BREAKS OR DAMAGES ANYTHING THAT BELONGS TO HIM?
HAS HE BLAMED YOU FOR BEING BROKE?
DOES HE SAY HE SHOULD HAVE NEVER MARRIED YOU?
DOES HE TELL YOU HE IS GOING TO FIND SOMEONE ELSE TO FILL HIS SEXUAL NEEDS IF YOU DON'T HAVE SEX WITH HIM WHEN HE WANTS IT?
DOES HE LAUGH WHEN YOU SAY YOU WANT TO LEAVE AND RESPOND WITH "TILL DEATH DO US PART?"
DO YOU HAVE TO ASK PERMISSION TO GO OUT, TO GO SHOPPING, TO HAVE MONEY IN YOUR POCKET?
WHY IS IT YOU ALWAYS TRY TO UNDERSTAND HIS FEELINGS YET YOURS ARE IGNORED?
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Broken Promises, Broken Hearts- Inspiring Insight For Your Soul & Spirit!
By Gloria Thomas-Anderson 
Most women want a man who they can trust and who makes them feel safe and secure. Unfortunately, too many women have experienced the opposite in romantic relationships. They go into the relationship with their whole heart, only to find disappointment and heartache.
Sometimes things just don't work out, but when the relationship crumbles because of unkept promises, it can break your heart. Nobody likes to be told something and then find out that it’s not going to happen. For example, take a spouse who promises to be home in time for dinner but is repeatedly late night after night. It’s not long before the confidence in his words are lost. Or what about the man who comes into your life and sweeps you off your feet with his charm and good looks, promising to love only you, but you find out that he's got other women in his life who he is telling the same line.
When something is broken, there are usually two options--fix it or throw it away. That works on inanimate objects like a flower vase or a child’s toy, but try doing this with a broken promise or broken heart and you’ll realize rather quickly that these options do not easily apply.
If the promise can be fixed or made right, great! If not, an apology or explanation can go a long way—if it’s sincere and with remorse. Resiliency, understanding and forgiveness are the necessary components to get past broken promises. Sometimes trying to fix it makes it shatter into more pieces. It may be best to leave it as is and move on.
The best antidote to keep from getting your heart broken from broken promises is to take things slow and easy at first in a new relationship. Watch the actions of the person and see if their talk matches their walk. It usually doesn't take long before you see a pattern of behavior that can serve as a warning that this is a heartbreak waiting to happen! Let those who are playing games, play them on another playground. Reserve your heart for someone worthy.
Gloria Thomas Anderson, MSW
Columnist of: Inspiring Insights For Your Soul and Spirit!
www.hearttones.com
© 2006 Heart Tones
UNDERCOVER DETECTIVE! DO YOUR OWN INVESTIGATIONS!
PC PANDORA? DO YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW?
The Secrets of Emotional Abuse Recovery for Women
By Annie Kaszina
Emotional abuse doesn’t stop the day you walk away from an emotionally abusive partner. Unfortunately, it will probably continue to affect you long after your abusive partner has become history, unless you discover what emotional abuse really is and how best to overcome it.
Emotional abuse is any judgement, from any source, humiliates, undermines and paralyses you. People have a right to pass comment on errors you have made. They are never justified in suggesting that the errors you have made undermines your human worth.
Emotional abuse keeps you focused on the past; and seeing the future only through the negative perspective of the abusive relationship. When you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship, your partner will always remind you of everything you have ever done wrong – and visit on you their prediction that you will never change for the better.
How does your partner know this? Actually, they don’t. It’s only their opinion.
Emotional abuse brainwashes you into taking whatever bad things your partner says about you as gospel. If they can be so sure, when you are feeling so confused and undermined, then they must be right. In fact, they sound so certain because they are heavily invested in what they’re saying. They need you to believe it so they can maintain their power over you.
You can’t be sure whether what your partner says ‘counts’ as abuse or not. After all, he doesn’t hit you; he’s just telling it like it is. Maybe, it’s just you being too sensitive, or too demanding, or too unreasonable. That’s what he tells you. So you end up worrying: “Is it? Isn’t it?” Because you’ll only feel 100% justified in taking a firm stand, if you are absolutely sure, and it’s so hard to be sure with words.
In fact, if his words make you feel small, worthless or humiliated, and he doesn’t respect or consider how you feel, that is abusive. More important, it is unacceptable. Hurting your feelings, or being careless of your feelings, however you choose to see it, is unacceptable. Period.
Until you become adept at recognising verbal and emotional abuse you will continue to suffer it in your life. Because you will continue to let friends, acquaintances and even strangers behave in ways that are either hurtful or careless of your feelings.
You will visit other people’s abusive judgements on yourself, until you discover how to identify them and get rid of them once and for all. Worse still, you’ll confuse abuse with ‘being realistic’. If ever you find yourself thinking: “They can do things, because it’s different for them, they’re not as hopeless and useless as I am”, that is an abusive judgement. Any assessment you make about yourself that denies your ability to create good relationships and a good life for yourself is abusive – and wrong.
How can you possibly know what the future holds? After all, if you had had the gift of foresight, you wouldn’t have got involved with your abusive partner in the first place, would you?
So how do you ‘do’ emotional abuse recovery?
1) Understand that change is inevitable and that you have the power to make all the changes you want and need. Sure, you may not be able to make them right now, because you may not even know exactly what you want and need. What you can do, is start making one or two small changes and maybe add a few others as you go along; maybe adding a little self-care into your daily routine.
The psychological burden of an abusive relationship is actually like a massive boulder. You can’t push it away, but a few small changes act like putting a plank under it. The leverage you’ll gain will allow you to roll that boulder away, faster than you might think possible.
2) Start to reprogram your mind. You can wait until things get better to start believing that they will; or you can fast-track your recovery by starting to believe in and look for improvements. Whatever you look for, you will see. Whether your glass is half-full or half-empty, it’s still the same glass and the same volume of liquid. The only difference is how you’ll feel about it. How do you want to feel?
3) Get support. You can find support from a refuge, from a group for survivors of domestic violence – and make no mistake emotional abuse is domestic violence – from a counsellor, coach or other professional who understands how you have been affected by emotional abuse.
4) Get information. Not only will you find out that you’re not the only one to fall for an abusive partner, you’ll see that all abusive partners are clones. Some hit, some don’t, but they all behave in much the same way; they all say pretty much the same cruel things. You’ll soon start to realize that, since they all work from the same script, what they say is not about you, it’s actually about them.
5) Start to count your blessings. Yes, you’ve been through totally undeserved pain and misery and no doubt you are still hurting, but you have a choice. You can focus on the pain, or you can start to focus on what you have to celebrate. Bear in mind that what you focus on multiplies.
Consciously make time in your day, maybe last thing at night, to celebrate your health, your children’s health, a child’s smile, any good thing that has happened in your day, a kindness shown to you, the sunshine, the beauty of a flower. If you commit to celebrating 10 blessings in a day, then you’ll have to look for them. Once you make a habit of looking for them, you will surely find 10, and more.
Is that it? It’s certainly a very good start. Everything suggested in this article will move you on from your hurt, victim mind-set and into an awareness both of your own worth and of all that there is for you to look forward to. The journey of recovery from emotional abuse is the journey from fear, shame, and powerlessness into joyful belief in yourself and the world. You don’t know what the future holds, but rest assured that there it will be far, far happier than you can imagine right now.
(C) 2006 Annie Kaszina
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Annie Kaszina Ph D, is a coach and writer who has helped hundreds of women to rebuild their confidence and their life after an abusive relationship. Annie is the author of "The Woman You Want To Be". This ebook will teach you how you can love yourself first, so that you can create strong self-belief and build the fulfilling future you're looking for on firm foundations. To find out more and sign up to Annie's free bi-monthly ezine visit http://www.EmotionalAbuseRecoveryNow.com You can email Annie at: annie@EmotionalAbuseRecoveryNow.com
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